Katuwapitiya

I am someone who really places a lot of importance on lyrics. To some, especially in certain genres, they can be an afterthought. Being someone who thinks he can write decently sometimes, I just can’t forgive laziness when it comes to that aspect of music. How can a band be fine with a beautiful instrumental arrangement ruined by some ridiculous rhyming couplet? I’ll never know.

Now I know some people will say that it is unfair to take lyrics out of context. I disagree. Here are the nine worst lyrics that I came across in 2009:

9. “I got a bollywood chick, she says she wanna know what Hollywood is”- Swollen Members in Bollywood Chick

8. “I’m nodding my head like Yeah!
Moving my hips like Yeah!”- Miley Cyrus in Party in The USA

7. “She get it pop it, lock it, drop it,
That birthday cake”- Sean Kingston in Fire Burning
(I don’t think Sean Kingston should be singing about cake.)

6. “A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me,
Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy.”- Shakira in She Wolf

5. “I can transform ya, like a transforma”- Lil Wayne in I Can Transform Ya.
(Lil Wayne produces quite a few quoteables but this one was probably his worst.)

4. “Though I’ve been too weak to escape
And I don’t have the strength to pluck a grape”- The Tragically Hip’s Love is a First

3. “I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah lalalalalalalala
I can’t lie lie lie lie lie lie
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don’t stop
Give me give me give me what you got got”- The Veronicas’ Untouched
(The Veronicas ruin what is actually a pretty decent pop instrumental with random gibberish. This song came out a while ago but only really gained popularity this past year.)

2.“Duel it, duel it, duel it, juggle it, duel it, duel it”- Phoenix’s Lisztomania
(When I first heard this line, I thought that he was saying “too late chocolate”. The actual lyric is not much better. Seriously, does anyone listen to what Thomas Mars is actually singing?)

1. “‘Cause I’d get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance”- Owl City’s Fireflies
(Screw you Owl City. If I wanted to hear an empty unsubstantial version of the Postal Service, I’d listen to Deathcab.)

If you look at the top, you’ll see some categories that I set out when I started this site, “The Music I Love” and “The Music I Hate” being the main ones. I wanted to alternate the love and hate but lately, I’ve just been sticking to the love. But I can remain silent no longer. Thanks to someone having 104.5 CHUM FM blasting in the morning, I heard a song that makes the lyrics of “Tonight’s Going to Be A Good Night” seem like the words of Walt Whitman in comparison.

The song is Party in The USA by Miley Cyrus.

And yes, it’s a given that I should hate the music of Miley Cyrus but someone has to say something. This video 2 million views in 4 days and it can’t just be due to the short shorts that she’s rocking in the video. Generic can’t even being to describe the music in the background, simple guitars and weak percussion, there’s nothing new here. What is new is the auto-tune that she’s using on her voice. Autotune! Miley Cyrus! I didn’t think it could get worse! But wait, let’s pick out some good lines:

“This is all so crazy, everyone seems so famous”

“That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio,
and a Jay Z song was on,
and the Jay Z song was on,
and the Jay Z song was on,
So I put my hands up,
They’re playing my song”
(I’m sure that’s what he was going for when he released Death of Autotune, lol. She later does the same verse structure with “a Britney song”.)

“Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody’s looking at me now
Like “Who’s that chick, That’s rocking kicks?
She gotta be from out of town”
(Apparently, the rest of the crowd in Hollywood has decided to party barefoot style.)

“Feel like hopping on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me every time (every time)
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright”
(Good to see how much home and family means to a 17 year old.)

“Nodding my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah”

Overall, equating Jay-Z and Britney is a ballsy move on Miley’s songwriter’s behalf. But how exactly can one “move their hips like yeah”? (besides this). I never thought I could hear a song that would make me recall the good ole days of an S Club Party. It’s sad because pop music was doing pretty well with things that didn’t really annoy me (Pink, Taylor Swift, it was what it was.) But Miley, this is too much. Congratulations, Party in The USA!!!1, you are hated.

Watch below and see if I’m exaggerating:

Edit (Jan 14): It looks like I’m getting a lot of traffic re: Miley’s autotuned vocals. It’s clear that her vocals are heavily edited in the original studio version. With that said, the recent video that has been posted of her performance on the Today show is fake. I’d love to pretend it was real but here is the fake, followed by the original:

The fake one:

The real one (still sounds bad to me haha):

Hope that clears things up!

While you’re here, you can also check out this awesome (exclusive to this blog) video of Modest Mouse’s Isaac Brock performing with Broken Social Scene in Toronto:

Now I’ve always been a fan of Mariah Carey… sort-of. It’s hard to deny that she has an incredible voice and I consider her early hits classics of popular music. I didn’t even mind the much-maligned soundtrack to the movie Glitter (although, being 15 at the time, “production values” probably had a lot to do with it). That said, I’m not enjoying the next big decision that her and her record label have made. It appears that her next album (probably “something something freedom liberation act of mémé”), will include ads in the liner notes. Ads. With your CD.

Is nothing sacred anymore?! Obviously, we expect ads on the internet (re: the right side of this page which scores me an incredible 5 cents a click) and movie theatres (sigh) but album liner notes?! These are meant to be a gift to the listener, someone who chose to make more of an effort than clicking a button on iTunes. Casual listeners won’t even care to read these notes, in the end, you’re bombarding the truest fans. If this is a success, they plan to do this to the new Kanye album. Don’t worry though, Kanye, you’ve already lost me.

On a side note, what the hell is with the current “repetition of one syllable” trend that I see bridging choruses to verses? First (ella-ella-e), then (po-po-po-poker face) and now Mariah’s joining in with a classic (uh-uh-uh-uh-uh x infinity). Also, with her new video, Mariah is a worthy contender against Drake’s “Best I Ever Had” for worst video of the year. I expect more, Mariah. Sigh, maybe it’s just nostalgia.

There is probably no better place to discover new, cutting edge indie than pitchfork, the online magazine that thrives on being that annoying dude who posts “First!” on the comment thread that is the independent music scene. That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind. When reading album reviews on pitchfork, you’ll see a score out of 10 that you can immediately refer to (saving yourself minutes of having to sift through pretentious cultural references), but there’s more that goes into a score than “how good is the music”. You have to keep in mind that if a reviewer feels a band has “hype”, the album score will be 2 points lower than it really should be. If the band has embraced anything in the “digital realm”, their score will be inflated by 1.5 points. If a band is famous, deduct 3 points from any score. Most of all, if it’s a review of a hip hop artist, throw any continuity or sense out the window because pitchfork has about as much streetcred as the star of the “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” video. Better yet, make that The Offspring.

So I introduce to you a new Katuwapitiya feature:

Pretentiousfork: How Pitchfork Is Wrong

Lil’ Wayne – “Tha” Carter III

Now if you’re a fan of hip hop, you’re well aware that “Cash Money” was a rap crew that came along in the late 90s with a very clear goal: to destroy hip-hop (currently, that torch is carried by Soulja Boy). They were able to do this with an amount of bravado that would make Slick Rick cringe. With a hit that caused black males to put their hands together like pigeons and go “Brrrrrrrrrrrrr“, they were also able to make some long for the return of the good ole’ days of parachute pants and choreography.

That being said, amongst critics, there is no “rapper” right now with more popularity than Lil’ Wayne. He’s swimming in grammy nominations, blogomania, and most of all, he’s basking in an 8.7/10 from pitchfork. (Note: The “hype” factor did reduce this album from its real score of 6.7 to a 4.7 but Lil Wayne’s embrace of digital music is amplified by sheer volume of material, hence the additional 4 points)

Now let me go over how pitchfork is wrong.

Obviously, the album features Lil Wayne. No amount of growth as an artist can remove T-Pain as a guest vocalist (who definitely shines with a chorus stating “got money, and you know it, take it out your pocket and show it, throw it, this a way, that a way, this a way, that a way”), No amount of symbolism can give the words of “lollipop” some sort of deeper meaning than a clichéd-immature sexual innuendo.

In the review, I find more noteworthy lines than I did in the actual album. Pitchfork talks about “the extraterrestrial fetishism of “Phone Home””. Could they be referring to: “Lock, load, ready to aim at any target/I could get your brains for a bargain/Like I bought it, from Target”? Or the gem: “I’m rare like Mr. Clean with hair/No brake lights on my career/I never had life and I never had fear/I rap like I done died and goin’ to heaven, I swear”. Or maybe, they’re just loving the “eclectic unpredictability of it all.”

They continue: “lush ballad “Comfortable”… doubles as its most crazed and pained.” Craze and pain? I must have missed something in “Yeah, it’s no sweat no sweat/I will never 1, 2, 3 4-get/About you, your love, your sex…You know I work you out like bowflex”.

Pitchfork then refers to Lil; Wayne’s legacy (and I’m assuming it has nothing to do with the increase in sales of Amelie) and mentions how “his anguish burns as hot as his punchlines.”

“told her to back it up like erp erp
and make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp”

…feel the burn…

Now it wouldn’t be a pitchfork review without some pretentious out-of-place vocabulary to jazzercise the latter half of the review. Of particular note: “After dozens of listens, the record’s overflowing minutiae– from Fabulous and Juelz Santana’s overachieving cameos to Wayne’s hilariously apropos kinship-” . Aha! Apropos indeed. Hear hear.

Most of all though, the kicker to the article is its ending: “Wayne updates what it means to be the best rapper alive-”. By “update”, I’m assuming pitchfork means “drag that title through the mud”.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m done defending Kanye West.

All my life, I’ve been quick to defend the ‘black man in the spotlight who is heavily criticized’.

The root of this tendency probably stems from my love for Michael Jackson. He was the first artist that I can remember calling myself a fan of and for that reason, I’ve defended him my entire life. Hell, I even bought “Blood on the Dance Floor”. That’s dedication.

Often, I find that the mainstream media is quick to judge prominent black celebrities when there is a combination of a poor choice of words and a cocky attitude (justified or not). Some good examples of this theory are Terrell Owens, Isaiah Washington, and Kanye West.

Terrell Owens was the reason I started watching football. Isaiah Washington was the best part of Grey’s Anatomy. And Kanye West? I’ve been a fan of his from day one.

When I was in a car accident, recovering in a hospital, I flipped out when “Through the Wire” started playing on MuchMusic. I agreed with his George Bush sentiments and even agreed with the way he went about it. I didn’t mind that he was so honest about deserving an MTV award because I thought he deserved one too. And I was brought to tears when he performed “Hey Mama” after the death of his mother.

But goddamn it Kanye. I’m done.

Yes. You’re a good producer. Probably one of the best in the business. And I was well aware of your lack of writing ability. Over the years, I’ve shrugged off lines like:

“Saying “we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast”
Huh? Yall eat pieces of shit? What’s the basis?”

“And I know the government administered AIDS,
So I guess we just pray like the minister say”

“I thought my Jesus Piece was so harmless
’til I seen a picture of a shorty armless”

“Till I got flashed by the Papparazzi
Damn, these niggaz got me
I hate these niggaz more than a Nazi”

“Old folks talking bout back in my day
But homey this is my day.
Class started 2 hours ago, oh am I late?
You know I already graduated
And you can live through anything if Magic made it.
They say I talk with so much emphasis,
OOOO they’re so sensitive.”

I could put up with all this and I could defend you through it all. But now someone gave you the notion that you can sing?! Come on.

If you’re bad at rapping, you don’t start singing with a vocoder and call that an evolution. The production quality on your highly-digitized voice is great, as usual, but the world does not need another T-Pain.

When you’re “singing” bad lyrics instead of “rapping” them, it gives us time to really focus on what you’re saying. And when you’re saying nothing (“System overload/Screamin no no no no no”), and you’re singing it poorly, it does not work.

I’ll always respect you for what you’ve done for artists like Common, Mos Def and Talib Kweli. But I can’t help but focus on how ridiculous you’ve become. Even before the singing, I started having my doubts. It’s one thing to tour with Rihanna. It’s another thing to make your set revolve around ludicrous interactions with a spaceship named “Jane”. Then there are the very questionable guest spots on tracks by artists like T-Pain and Kid Sister. Add the singing and I’ve had enough.

For more on Kanye’s unfortunate decision to suck at singing, download the mp3 of his new single “Love Lockdown”, or check out “It’s Over” from John Legend’s new album (another good example of why I’ve had enough).

I hope you prove me wrong Kanye. I really do.

Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs ruled the charts in the early 90s with a simple formula. Find an 80s song, lift the entire melody, add words like “and we wont stop, cause we cant stop” (or switch it up by saying “I thought I told you that we won’t stop”), and PROFIT! (For more on his profits, please refer to the lyric in the above-linked song “with money hanging out the anus”, classic.)

This formula can only work so long before people begin to say “uhhh, wtf?” And it didn’t take very long for that to happen to “Puffy” and his crew.

Nowadays, the line between sampling and blatantly stealing is being tread by Rihanna and her producers. The two main examples: her sampling of Tainted Love (with the addition of lyrics like “y-o-u are making this hard”, another classic), and the stealing of random gibberish from a Michael Jackson song.

However, what troubles me most is her role in the new T.I. song “Live Your Life” (which I seriously had hear to believe, you can download the mp3 here if you really would like your ears to bleed, or use the new player below). In it, she blatantly sings the chorus in a way that imitates the song ‘Dragostea Din Tei ” by extremely-lame europop group O-Zone. Now if you’ve lived under a rock for the past 4 years, this song rose to fame when a fat guy danced to it in a very fat way.

Wow. That “Puff-Daddy-wtf-moment-of-clarity” better come soon in the career of Rihanna (she could change her name to R Hizzy?) or soon we’ll have to deal with covers of much, much worse.

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Tell someone.